No Regrets!

In the car to the airport, we contemplated booking massages at one of the local spots and talked about the concept of a “sad ending.” What would be the saddest song to get a massage to? Contenders were:

• “All by Myself” by Eric Carmen
• “Send In The Clowns” by Judy Collins
• “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M.
• “Alone Again” by Gilbert O’Sullivan
• “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton

The playful banter is constant. I get ribbed for being Canadian, Scott gets it for not making weight for the helicopter ride, and Dave gets it for being scared of heights. More raunchy toilet humor than you can imagine. I quite enjoy Scott’s pattering little giggle and squinty eyes, though if you really get him going, he’ll go silent and point his gaping mouth upward.

As we prepared to take off, Scott set the over/under on actual airtime of our flight at 24 minutes, I took the over, but he won the bet with a time of 20:53. Everything is a game. As we landed in Kauai, we were treated to a gorgeous sunrise over the ocean. Clouds dappled the mountains in all directions.

Our land tour of Kauai began with Sean picking us up at the airport in his Toyota 4Runner. Sean is a cool, hang-loose kind of dude. We were immediately off to explore the south and west parts of the island. Sean said that this was an exceptionally clear, sunny day and that we were lucky to be doing a helicopter ride. Kauai is lush and green, called the Garden Island for good reason. The tree tunnel, a section of road flanked by Eucalyptus trees planted in 1911 by pineapple baron Walter McBryde, is a magical gateway to this part of the island. The Monkeypod and Albizia trees, with their gnarled branches and wide, umbrella-like canopies look like bonsai trees or something out of The Lion King.

Sean explained that there are a lot of celebrities who live on the island, enjoying the beauty and seclusion of multi-million dollar homes tucked away in private neighborhoods and also the island-wide ban on paparazzi. Celebrities like Matt Damon, Kim Kardashian, Ben Stiller, and The Rock are some of the many who make Kauai at least their part-time home. Mark Zuckerberg is the most reviled celebrity here, having acquired hundreds of acres on Kauai’s north shore for the establishment of a monstrous compound, using his wealth to break rules and skirt environmental regulations.

Interestingly, Sean says that Filipino is the predominant ethnic group here, tracing back to migration for labor on the sugar plantations in the early 1900’s. All of these plantations are closed now, as tourism has become the island’s main industry. There are also roosters and chickens everywhere, apparently freed from farms in 1992’s Hurricane Iniki and now interbred with the existing population of wild junglefowl, originally brought to Hawaii by Polynesian settlers centuries ago.

Sean dove into Hawaiian history and culture, explaining how the kings of independently ruled islands began to unite and, through violence and trickery, eventually were incorporated as America’s 50th state. Seems there is a pocket of people in Maui who still believe in Hawaiian sovereignty, much like Confederate sympathizers in the American South. Each island has a subtly distinctive culture, with the people of Kauai, Sean said, being the friendliest of the bunch.

We stopped in the small village of Hanapepe for a sandwich at the Midnight Bear Bakery, a local favorite. We all got matching Brie and prosciutto paninis, which were perfect. Scott and I also took a moment to enjoy the famous swinging bridge while Dave watched from solid ground.

For the next few hours, we stopped at various viewpoints over the majestic and surprisingly massive Waimea Canyon. It was breathtaking for me and Scott but also breathtaking for Dave because he literally could not breathe. To his credit, he did crawl out of the car a few times to approach guardrails and catch the view. It’s interesting to me that the canyon can only be enjoyed through a series of random turn-offs and scrambles over guardrails and through brush. There doesn’t seem to be any official visitor center or formal viewing points. The canyon doesn’t seem to have been commercialized or protected like other natural wonders of North America.

It was when we were walking up to one of these random viewpoints that we got the dagger: a call from the helicopter touring company to tell us that, despite the sunny skies, our tour was cancelled due to high winds. I was crushed. Six months of preparation for this, especially Dave, who had been undergoing intensive therapy to cope. In fact, it might have been Dave who was the most disappointed. He said he had committed and was finally ready, even excited to do this. But it’s not happening.

We headed down to the Poipu area, learning more about the fancy real estate and golf courses around us. We popped onto a few small beaches, one of them called Shipwreck Beach, adorned with a shelf of worn-down lava rocks along the water line. It gently rained on and off for the rest of the afternoon, so perhaps it was for the best that we didn’t head up in a helicopter.

We stopped at Porky’s for lunch, a place rated as the top restaurant in Kauai on Tripadvisor. We all had a pineapple and pork sausage covered with pulled pork and sweet and spicy sauce wrapped in cheesily toasted bread, which I thought was out of this world. No longer needing to make weight for the helicopter ride, I told Scott that I now wanted to fatten him up like a veal.

Despite his casualness, Sean was very professional and knowledgeable and passionate about his job and island. He thoroughly answered every question, says every Hawaiian island and place name with the proper glottal stops, and really projects his voice. It’s obvious that he’s been doing this a while and really enjoys it. After some hugs, handshakes, and shakas, we said goodbye to Sean at the airport and then headed back to Oahu. Over/under on airtime back to Honolulu was 20:45. I took the under and lost with a time of 22:43. More horrendous traffic in the Uber back to hotel. Tragic that the Ubers take longer and are more expensive than the flights we’re taking to other islands.

We came back to get ready for our first night out in Waikiki. As we got cleaned up, we settled our callsigns: Scott is “Veal”, Dave is “Chopper”, and I am “Poopfinger.”

Dinner was at Roy’s, and Dave was particularly excited for this one. This reservation is one of the highlights of the trip that he had been looking forward to for months. As expected, the food was incredible, and even though they tucked us away at a table in the back corner of the restaurant, we laughed like we’ve never laughed before. I’d rather be in the worst place with the best people than best place with the worst people, but being in the best place with the best people gives you moments that you remember forever.

After dinner, we walked the streets looking for some nightlife, for some reason with Mele Kalikimaka stuck in my head the whole time. We poked our head into 4-5 different bars around Waikiki, but we were shocked to find most of them nearly empty or closing. We were expecting lively nightlife in Waikiki on a Friday night, but we found almost nothing. Really? Shock and disappointment. Maybe Waikiki really is just honeymooners and married couples and seniors who retire to their hotel rooms early.

Scott, Dave, and I sat on the balcony of our hotel room in our underwear, listening to sad music before vowing to find some more social action tomorrow and passing out.

As I write this, I am back out on the balcony in the early morning, looking at the ocean and fluffy clouds just waking up with the rising sun. Little waves wash over the sand on the beach below. It’s a perfect moment. The other two boys are still asleep.

We have massages booked this morning. I really hope they can do something about my barking left buttcheek. Then a wander around the beaches of Waikiki and a sunset booze cruise this evening.